Currently Listening Offerings: A Worship Album By Third Day Love Song see related

"Lovestick be drippin"

Ok Ok OK!!! I'm deeply sorry for the LACK of attention that I give my medical blogs but back by popular demand is an all-time favorite. So HERE IT BE.....

While working a sunday night shift.....it was getting close for me to start packin' up and gettin the HECK OUTTA THERE....but would it be that easy......NO!! 5 minutes til my shift is over comes an african-american man with clothes all untucked....needed a shave and has a massive case of "after-sex hair!" This can't be good.......... So after he gets all checked in...I take him into the room and have him sit on the exam table.... I do the normal routine triage and ask "what's the problem?"  He leaned forward and started to unzip his pants.......now my first reaction SHOULD have been makin a mad dash for the door!! But I retained my professionalism and just closed my eyes.... As he proceeded to take off his pants...he looked me straight in the eyes and said " Bro.......my lovestick be drippin."

WHAT IN THE!...... #1 WHO WANTS TO SEE THIS!??! Why would anyone want to show their "lovestick" to a male nurse?? So now I'm tryin' to recall any training that I've learned so far in school.....and NOTHING comes to mind on what to say when someone's "LOVESTICK BE DRIPPIN!" All I could really do is just........well......i couldn't do A THING! I pretty much just stood there...pen in hand.....and trying to hold back any VOMIT that was trying to come up. I figured I might as well ask how or why he may have this "drippin" problem....It appears that this man decided to test the waters on how many women his "lovestick" could meet. And yuuuuup......He got something in return........lucky guy  

Well...sorry this one may not be as good as the other 5 patient blogs but make sure you read those.... leave me some comments .... And just think.....this is only the beginning.....HELP ME GOD!!

Currently Listening Almost There By MercyMe, Mercy Me House of God see related

I've moved on and gave into peer pressure and started a "myspace" instead of xanga...But all is not lost! My hospital rotations will restart on August 29th and I'll be at 3 different places. They include Psych, Pediatrics, and Obstetrics (i'll be in the delivery room!!) SO im suuuuure there will be some "interesting" patient stories to follow this coming semester. The website is www.myspace.com/Italian117! See ya in a few weeks!

Currently Watching Mr. Bean - The Whole Bean (Complete Set) By Rowan Atkinson see related

Ok...I guess i should first say Thanks for all the emails, instant messages and everything else you STRANGERS are sending me!! Im glad you appreciate my horror stories. I also apologize for not updating this thing...i kinda forgot about it til a friend reminded me that i need to get my butt movin on this thing cuz her mother's work reads these! Well amanda....this one is for your moms work!

It was during one of my first clinical rotations at South Pointe hospital and one of the first patients that I was assigned to. So of coarse with the Ballistrea luck........I get this 96 year old african-american male thats in the hospital for some unknown DISEASE!!! why me??!!? Now the best part is.... i walk in the room......introduce myself.... tell him what im gonna do....... what procedures he has lined up for the day......yadda yadda yadda..... explain pretty much he's whole life story... and I don't get a FREEKIN RESPONSE!!! I'm thinkin this guy fell asleep on me! Well.....no....He goes into a FRICKIN COMA!!! GREAT!! Here I am .... the new guy.... talkin to this old man in the fetal position and he goes off into la - la land. So naturally...I do what any new rookie would do..... I start FREAKIN OUT! Im slammin this guy in his bed....beatin on his chest....slappin his face tryin to get him to wake up........ Well..... while im on top ridin this guy to get him up....the House doctor comes in and tells me he's BEEN in a coma for almost two weeks!! Now if I didn't feel like an idiot then.........I do now. He then tells me to go and apply skin lotion to his body to prevent cracks/ breaks in the skin since he's totally bed ridden.....duh.

Well.....here comes the best part.....So im walkin to the clean utility room to look for the lotion (acting all professional since no one knows what just happened in the room)...and grab the bottle that says "Skin Lotion". "Ah....this is the stuff"....I strut my stuff back into his room...close the curtain....and I get ready to give this guy the best rub down of his life. (and hes not even awake to enjoy it!) I sqeeze out the lotion into my hand and it comes out this really thick, white, pasty  kinda feel to it. I think nothin of it and continue on with my rub down. By this time....Ive lotioned all down his arms......all over his back.... up and down his legs....yea....i got good hands ;) .As some of you females know.....lotion is suppose to just soak in and air dry.......oooooooo noooo.....not my patient...this stuff just layered on his body. So as im finishin up lotioning his legs....i look at my patient and realize......he's now half black - half white!! GREAT!!! Now im treating Michael Jackson!! I'm thinkin what the heck is goin on with this skin lotion??? I go grab the bottle....read it ...and sure enough it says "skin lotion"....well.....i decided to continue to read it......and it read...."skin lotion.....for ANAL/RECTAL HEMMOROIDS" I had just SMEARED hemmoroid cream ALL over this guy....I'm thinkin....hes gonna shrivel into a prune!!! I abandon all professionalism and start runnin to the nearest sink and towels to wipe this guy up before anyone gets suspicious about what i did. It was that very moment that instead of being upset about him being comatose....I was thankin God for it!! oooo...who knows what would happen if he was awake. Well....one thing is for sure....he'll never break out in hemmoroids anywhere on his body ever again!

Well....there you have it ladies and gentlemen. Another beauty for the records.... I should just make a book on how not to treat patients....it'd be so much easier. DONT FORGET TO COMMENT!!!

CIAO

Currently Playing Layla By Eric Clapton see related

Ok ok ok...I apologize to those who await for the updates on my patients...but i am still only one man...so give it atleast one week at a time. I appreciate the emails from complete STRANGERS but seriouisly.......you guys are freekin me out.  lol. O well... Here you go....some of you might of already heard this one...but once again....its worth hearing it!!

I was working at the Urgent Care Center and had just finished my lunch break. I walked back from the break room to the center and the receptionist said there was a lady in EXCRUCIATING pain. Im thinkin....CRAP!! All I'm gonna hear now is this lady whine the WHOLE STINKIN time. Well....I grab her chart....open the door and call this lady back. Well....as some of you have already read in my previous xanga's..., I have this magnetic charm about me for attracting OBESE PATIENTS!!!!! Unbelievable....this lady was another 350 plus!! and that was just her right thigh!! I have her sit in the chair....cuz shes too STINKIN HEAVY to get on the examing table....and thats the last thing i need is to have her split this table in half and getting the JAWS OF LIFE to get her out!!

So as she's sitting in the chair, I ask her what hurts, how long, how bad...all the same crap. She says shes been having this HORRIBLE pain in her right shoulder for a little over a week now. She said it hurt whenever she put pressure on her shoulder...I just wanted to tell her...." well don't put pressure on it you idiot". But i maintained my professionalism and had her remove her shirt so I could take a look at her shoulder. THAT WAS A MISTAKE!! So as i'm looking at this bowel of jello of a lady, I walk behind her and lift up her 16 ROLLS of skin and as I pulled up......... out fell a PORKCHOP BONE!! I kid you not! There was a half eaten porkchop bone literally ABSORBED in this lady's FAT!

Now this lady has no clue what just happened so I push on her shoulder and ask "does it hurt now?"...she replied..."NO!" WOW!! I wonder why!??!?!? I asked her when was the last time she had porkchops was....she said about a week ago....what a coincidence....the same time all this FREEKIN PAIN STARTED! She was eating porkchops on her couch and fell asleep...apparently her skin stretched so much when she lied down.....so that when she woke up....her 52 FOLDS OF SKIN SUCKED up the bone!! Talk about dinner to go!

In conclusion....As you can recall, I had just finished eating lunch before this wonder of a patient. What I didn't tell you was that for lunch.....I had leftover PORKCHOPS from the night before... And to this very day...I have yet to eat another!

CIAO.

Dont forget to comment!!!!

Currently Playing Incomplete Pt.1 By Backstreet Boys see related

Allllllllllrighty then....It seems that my xanga's are more popular than i expected and are in big demand. Im glad to find that all of you enjoy reading about my "wonderful patients". Well...back by popular demand.....here's one of my FIRST patients that i ever saw at the hospital......warning......this can get gross.......BUT ITS WORTH IT!

I was just beginning my day and decided to take back this "older lady" in around her early 60's. I walk into the room with her....had her take a seat and asked her what's wrong with her today.....mistake number 1. Well...I guess she took it as what's BEEN wrong with her since she was BORN!! I had to have been in that room for almost a stinkin HOUR! She whips out this GROCERY LIST of things thats wrong with her. So after I finish writing this NOVEL for the doctor to read....I asked her if there was anything else.....like their possibly COULDNT have been anything else....but once again....i was wrong.

She told me there was ONE MORE THING. By now im about to lose my mind....I asked her what it could possibly be....mistake number 2! And here is what she told me.... "Well...I've been noticing that I've been having this massive PUBIC HAIR loss!" I wanted to say...don't worry lady...its the style now....but........i'd probably go to jail. But wait!!! It gets better!! She then reaches for her purse underneath the chair.......reaches in.......pulls out this little ziplock bag.........and yup.....you guessed it..... She saved EVERY HAIR!! Now...I don't know what she wanted me to exactly do with it...I mean...I didnt have any DUCT TAPE or GLUE to really help her out. SO....at this point..every part of my body was wanting to throw up. Now...trying to remain as PROFESSIONAL as I can..."put the hair away before somebody gets hurt!" lol...not really but you get the idea.

Now you would think something like this would embarass a little old lady....but noooooooo....not her...because she then motioned to unzip her pants to show me the balding "area". At this point I had completely given up all professionalism and made a dash for the door.......passed the chart to the doc...and called it quits for the DAY!! THE END

Well...there you have it....Hope all of you enjoyed my horror story and dont worry...theres alot more to come!! Leave me them comments.

CIAO!

P.S. No im not gay because im listening to the backstreet boys...its freekin awesome song!